Funny SMS & SMS Jokes

Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home, it’s fun to cook for
Bob. Today I made an
angel food cake and the recipe said, “Beat 12 eggs separately.” Well, I didn’t have
enough bowls to do that,
so I had to borrow enough bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine.
Tuesday: We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, serve without
dressing.” So I didn’t dress. But, Bob happened to bring a friend home for supper
that night. Did they ever look startled when I served the salad.
Wednesday: I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, “Wash thoroughly
before steaming the rice.”So I heated some water and took a bath before steaming
the rice. Sounded kinda silly in the middle of the week. I can’t say it improved the
rice any.
Thursday: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, “Prepare
ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving.” I hunted all over
the garden by my mom’s. So I tossed my salad into the bed of lettuce and stood over
there one hour so the dog would not take it. Bob came over and asked if I felt all
right. I wonder why?
Friday: Today I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said, “Put all ingredients in a
bowl and beat it.” Beat it I did, right over to my mom’s house. There must have been
something wrong with the recipe, because when I came back home again it looked the
same as when I left it.
Saturday: Bob went shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to
dress it for Sunday. I’m sure I don’t know how hens dress for Sunday. I never
noticed back on the farm, but I found a doll dress and some little shoes. I thought
the hen looked real cute. When Bob saw it, I wondered why he counted to 10.
Sunday: Today Bob’s folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast, but all we had in
the icebox, was hamburger. So I put it in the oven and set the controls for roast.
Must be the oven, because it still came out hamburger.
Good night, Dear Diary. This has been an exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to
come, so I can try a new recipe on Bob.

A guy is standing at a bus stop in the pouring rain with no coat or umbrella, when a
car slides up to the kerb and stops beside him. Thinking he has just been offered a
lift he opens the door and gets in relieved to be out of the wet. “Thanks pal I
thought I would never……” he looks across at the driver and there is no one in the
seat. Next thing the car moves off silently and for the next four miles it stops at
every red light, obeys every traffic law and finally comes to a stop at the top of the
road where the guy lives – he is by now is in a severe state of shock and anxiety and
the only reason he has not jumped from the car en-route is because it was travelling
so slowly that he knew he could get out at any time if something unearthly happened.
Anyway it was going his way and keeping him dry! Now it is stopped at the kerb again
just up the street from where he lives and the guy gets out, closes the door and as
he turns to head off home he bumps into another guy who is going to get into the car.
“Hey buddy I would not get in that car if I were you there’s something weird about
it” “Yeah, I know” says the second guy ” But I’ve just pushed it four miles and I
really need the rest”.

Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout
the world. You have to give the writers an ‘E’ for Effort.
.
In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person
to do such thing is please not to read notis.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time
we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the
hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the
chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are
welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists,
and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Bangkok dry cleaner’s: Drop your trousers here for best results.
A sign posted in Germany’s Black forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest
camping site that people
of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they
are married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite
sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest
Methodists.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a
good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours – we
guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as
a man.
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
In a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give
it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control
yourself..

A crocodile caught a kid and when kid’s mother came for rescue, crocodile posed her
a question – ‘U can make a statement. If you speak the truth in it, i will return your
kid . Otherwise i will eat him.’ And the mother agreed.
The clever mother made the statement – “You will eat my kid’. Now, the crocodile is
in a dilemma of what to do.

A king caught the bandit chief and before punishing , offered him a statement. The
king said ‘ You can make a statement. If you say the truth in it, you will be shot and
if not you will be hanged ‘ . The clever bandit chief replied ‘ I will be hanged’. The
king got into a dilemma of what to do.

Few centuries ago, a Law teacher came across a student who was willing to learn but
was unable to pay the fee. The student struck a deal saying ‘ I would pay your fee
the day i win my first case in the court’.
Teacher agreed and proceeded with the law course.
When the course was finished and teacher started pestering the student to pay up
the fee, student reminded the deal and pushed days. Fed up with this, the teacher
decided to sue the student in the court of law and both of them decided to argue for
themselves.
The teacher put forward his argument saying : ” If i win this case, as per the court
of law, student has to pay me.
And if i lose the case, student will still pay me because he would have won his first
case. So either way i will have to get the money “.
Equally brilliant student argued back saying : “If i win the case, as per the court of
law, i don’t have to pay
anything to the teacher. And if i lose the case, i don’t have to pay him because i
haven’t won my first case yet. So either way, i am not going to pay the teacher
anything “.

Gabbar sends Kaalia and two others to Ramgad to collect the loot-maar software he had ordered.

They reach Ramgad and started shouting: “Abe O thakur! Kahan hai woh loot-maar software? Last date to kab ka nikal gaya “.

Thakur [with anger]: “Chillao mat! jaakar Gabbar se kah do ki Thakur Software walon ne paagal kutton ke liye software banana bund kar diya hai.”

Kaalia: “Bahoot garmi dikha rahe ho thakur? Koi naye programmers hire kiye hain kya?”

Thakur: “Nazar uttha ke dekh, Kaalia, tere sar par powerbuilder chal raha hai.”

Kaalia looks up and sees Viru (Dharmendra) working on a PC on one Water tank and Jay (Amitabh) on another, using a laptop.

Kaalia Starts Laughing and says: “Ha ha… thakur ne freshers ko liya hai, Ye log Programming karenge? In ko to DOS commands bhi nahin aate.”

Veeru shouts: “Chup-chaap chala ja kutte. Hum log consultants hain,Kuch bhi kar sakte hain.”

Jay hits his keyboard,then says: “jaao kaalia, Gabbar se kahna ki uska server down ho gaya .”

AT GABBAR’S DEN…

Gabbar: “Kitne bugs the?”
Kaalia: “Do sarkaar.”

Gabbar: “Wo do! Aur tum teen. Phir bhi fix nahi kar sake? Kya soch key aaye ho? Gabbar bahoot khush hoga? Naya assignment dega …aur increment bhi? Iski saza milegi… barobar milegi.”

[Snatches an X terminal from Sambaa]. “Kitne sessions hain is machine mein?”

Sambaa: “Chhey sarkaar.”

Gabbar: “Session chhey aur programmer teen. Bahoot naainsaafi hai.” [logout - logout - logout].

“Haan ab theek hai… ab tera kya hoga”

Kaalia?”

Kaalia: “Sarkaar, maine aapka code likha tha.”
Gabbar: “To ab documentation kar!

Bihar Driving License…

============ ========= =========

DERIVING LICENSE APPLIKASON PHOROM

———— ——— ———

NOTE: Please do not soot the person at the applikason kounter.

He will give you the licen.

If you dot know how to fill ,copy from your phriend (dost)applikason.

For phurthar instructions, see bottom applikason.

1. Last name:

(_) Yadav (_) Tripathi (_) Pandey (_) Misra (_) Dont no

(Check karet box)

2. phust name:

(_) Ramprasad (_) Lakhan (_) Sivprasad (_) Jamnaprasad (_) Dont no

(Check karet box)

3. Age:

(_) Less than phipty (_) Greater than phipty (_) Dont no

(Check karet box)

4. Sex: ____ M _____(F) _____ not sure _____not applicable

5. Chappal Size: ____ Lepht ____ Right

6.Occupason:

(_) Politison (_) Doodhwala (_) Pehelwaan (_) House wife (_) Un-employed

(Check karet box)

7. Number of children libing in the household: ___

8. Number that are yourj: ___

9. Mather name: ____________ _________ __

10. Phather Name: ____________ ________ (If not no ,leabe blank)

11. Ejjucason: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest kilass attended)

12. Dental rekard:

(_) Ellow (_) Berownish-ellow (_) Berown (_) Belack (_) Other -__________ Give egjhakt color

(Check karet box)

13.Your thumb imparesson :

____________ _________ _______

(If you are copying from another applikason pharom, pleaje do not copy thumb impression also. Pleaje

provide your own thumb impression.)

PELEAJE DO NOT USE PHINGERS OF YOUR LEGS

Use thumb on your lepht hand only. If you dont have le pht hand, use your thumb on right hand. If you do not have right hand, use thumb on lepht hand.

NOTE : IF YOU DONT HAVE BOTH HANDS, YOU CANNOT DERIVE.

WE ARE VARY ISTRICT ABOUT THIS

Boss : I’M giving u job as a driver, starting salary Rs. 2000/- is it o.k. for U.

Santa: you r great sir ! starting salary is O.K. but how much is my driving salary ?

Interview : wt is ur qualification ?

santa: sir I’m Ph.d.

Interviewer : wt do u mean by Ph.d.

santa: (smiling)Passed High School with Difficulty.

Interviewer : just imagine ur in the 3rd floor, it caught fire & how will u escape ?

santa : it’s simple sir I will stop my imagination?

Santa kissed his girl friend in the park,

Girl: plz ye sab shadi se pehle…..

santa: don’t worry darling, I’M already married.

Sardar proposed a Girl; Girl said I’m 1 year elder than you

Sardar oye balle balle no problem soniye, I’ll marry you next year.

American : In our Country marriage takes place even with E-mail.

Santa: hey bai In india it is only with female.

Pathan sitting on the top of the mountain and studying..

when a person asked what he was doing he said oye.. higher studies yaar….

A : u r Active

B: u r Best

C: u r Cute

D: u r Dynamic

E: u r Excellent

F : u r always First.

G : u r Great

SORRY CAN’T LIE TILL Z……

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position .

2: I’m not really out of the office. I’m just ignoring you.

3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.

4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management

5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.’
( The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

9: Hi. I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

10: Hi! I’m busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don’t bother to leave me any messages.

11: I’ve run away to join a different circus.
AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:

12: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as ‘ Loretta’ instead of ‘Steve ‘

P’njaab Airways : IN-FLIGHT ANNOUNCEMENT

Gud marning, Ladies and Gen’lemen. P’rajee aur Behnjee. Sat Sri Akal.

On behalf of Captaan Balbir Singh ‘Bobby’, this is your Flight Supervisor Banta Singh ” Bunty” welcoming to you on the P’njaab Airways flight no. 9211 (Nau Do Gyaraah) to Ludhiana.

We apalogize for the two-day delay in taking off, b’cause the sun was not shining brightly in the fog. And we are knowing the sun does not shine in the night.

Landing in Ludhiana is not dafinite, but with good luck we can be landing d’rectly in your v’llage.

P’njaab Airways has exc’llant record for safety. In fact our safety standards are so high that even the fully trained tarrists and hijackers are afraid to fly with us.

I am pleased to ‘nounce that starting this year over 90% of our p’ssaingers have reached to their dest’nation.

For the rest 10%, the P’njaab Airways staff has lots of experience for consoling the next-of-kin. Our Hostess Bubbly Kaur will be haippy to brief you on our out-of-court settlement policies.

If engines are too noisy, on p’ssainger request, we can turn them off for comfart, but your flight will become late and you may become the late also.

For our religious p’ssaingers, we are the only airline who can help you to contact God at once. In case of sudden loss of cabin pressure, Holy Books will be quickly distributed.

We regret that today’s in-flight movie will not be shown as we could not record it from the tallyvision due to power cut.

But we will be flying right naxt to Air India, where their movie can be seen from the right side cabin windows. These windows have been opened

For your viewing convenience. For p’ssaingers on left side, we have put binoculars under the seat.

If AirIndia flight is again cancelled, then for your in-flight ent’tainment. Our hostesses Bubbly Kaur & Cuckoo Kaur will do the Bhangra with flight stewards Pappu and Tappu. Oye, Balle Balle!!

Your in-flight Menu has a choice of Chicken Tikka Masala, Tandoori Fish, Dal makhani, unlimited P’ronthas and Lassi.

There is a half charge for Red Label Whiskey served from Black Label bottles. Patiala pegs will be served only on Patiala flights.

As per safety rules, smoking is not allowed on all P’njaab Airways flights over P’njaab. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early warning system on the engines.

Please do read the ‘structions on the Safety Card in seat pocket in your front side. It is not a hand fan.

The P’ssainger behind you must read the card in your backside.

Life jackets are placed under your seats for emergency water landings on any of our 5 rivers. Do not use life jackets on the land.

Kindly keep your seat in upright position for take-off & landing. Also do not use force. Broken seats will not be replaced and you will be tied to the floor during take off and landing.

Please be seated first and then fasten your seatbelts. Do not call for steward or airhostess for a glass of water when plane is taking off.

We are about to take-off. We wish you a pleasant flight. For air sikness problems we have echo friendly jute bags in the sit pokets

Thank you once again for flying with P’njaab Airways

Pyare Papaji,

Main itthe raji khushi han and hope ke tusi v theek thaak hovonge, Eve v twannu bahut yaad kardi is.
Bharat NE Bangladesh de chakkee uda ditte. Hun he pukka hega hai ki Kenya di koi aukaat hi nahi.
Eve NE apple tyaag ditte NE….ude utte shopping DA bhoot chadya hai kyunki globus wich ek Short te Sweet sale chal RI hegi jissde wich he loki vadde vadde discounts de rahen han. Assi apna Sara wardrobe shordrobe badal rahein NE. Ki tusi apne layi fashionable jeans Lena pasand karoge?? Ya apni pariyan layi kuch tunics te leggings?
Mere vallo bas ehna hi!Twade potre twaanu yaad kar rahein NE.Tussi kuch dinna layi ethe kyun nahin AA jaande??.Oye. .. 10th June tak AA javoge the..assi te phir poori paltan nal globus sale layi tur sakde ah.
Pyaar shyaar,
Twaada ekohi puttar “Adam”

PS. Global warming………… Suniya hai na?kuch karde paye ho…ki sochya hai?