Funny SMS & SMS Jokes

THIS IS ENTRY TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME
WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That’s why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you ’cause I was pissed.

5. I thought that I could love no other
– that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don’t take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I’m good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

1 0. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe ‘Go to hell.’

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Top economist Valentine’s Day cards

4. You raise my interest rate thirty basis points without a corresponding dropoff in consumer enthusiasm.

3. Let’s raise housing starts together.

2. You stoke the animal spirits of my market.

1. Despite your decade of inflation, I still love you.

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, “I’m sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?’”

“But why?” asks the man.

“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.

BEST SMS OF THE YEAR:
How amazing!! – A mother makes her son “INTELLIGENT” in 20 years, but a girl makes him “STUPID” in 2 mins.

Second Best:
Arguing with a girl is like wrestling with a pig in the mud. After some time, u realize that u r getting dirty, but the pig is actually enjoying.

Third Best SMS:
Boys go to college to develop the mind; girls go to college to catch them before this happens .

“Help
a girl
when
she is
in trouble,
and
she will
surely
remember
you..

only
when
she is
again
in trouble..”

- Shakespeare

“Failure is not when
your Girl Friend
leaves you,

.

Its only when you
don’t try for her
sister.

If your father is a poor man,
It is your fate but,
If your father-in-law is a poor man,
it’s your stupidity.
***********
I was born intelligent – Education ruined me.
***********
Practice makes perfect…..
But nobody’s perfect……
So why practice?
***********
If it’s true that we are here to help others,
Then what exactly are the others here for?
***********
Since light travels faster than sound,
People appear bright until you hear them speak.
***********
How come “abbreviated” is such a long word?
***********
Money is not everything.
There’s MasterCard & Visa.
***********
One should love animals.
They are so tasty.
***********
Behind every successful man, there is a woman
And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.
***********
Every man should marry.
After all, happiness is not the only thing in Life.
***********
The wise never marry.
And when they marry they become otherwise.
***********
Success is a relative term.
It brings so many relatives.
***********
Never put off the work till tomorrow
What you can put off today.
***********
“Your future depends on your dreams” So go to sleep
***********
There should be a better way to start a day Than waking up every morning
***********
“Hard work never killed anybody”
But why take the risk
***********
“Work fascinates me”
I can look at it for hours
***********
God made relatives;
Thank God we can choose our friends.
***********
The more you learn, the more you know
The more you know, the more you forget
The more you forget, the less you know
So.. Why learn.
***********
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station….
What more can I say….

Police arrested a drunkard & asked: Where r u going?

Man: I’m going 2 a lecture on ill effects of drinking.
Cop: Who’ll lecture at midnight?
Man: My wife…

:::::::

Banta was traveling in an auto rickshaw with his wife. The driver adjusted the mirror.
Banta shouted: You are trying to see my wife!!!! Sit back. I’ll drive..

:::::::

After robbing the bank, 1 robber to clerk : Did you see me robbing?
Clerk : Yes I saw u.
Robber killed him and asked to the next clerk : Did u?
Second Clerk : No, but my wife saw u!

:::::::

Meaning of WIFE,

Husband asks:”Do you the meaning of WIFE?
it means…….
WITHOUT INFORMATION FIGHTING EVERY TIME.”
Wife on hearing this says,”it could also mean ……
WITH IDIOT FOREVER.”

:::::::

Judge: Don’t U have shame? It is d 3rd time U R coming to court.
Sardar to judge: U R coming daily, don’t U have shame?

:::::::

Teacher : four beautiful ladies are walking on the road. change it to exclamatory sentence .
Student : WOW !

:::::::

Teacher : U failure ! @ ur age Bill gates stood first in the class
Student : Mind u, Sir, but @ ur age Hitler committed suicide

:::::::

A cigarette shortens your life by 2 min..
A beer shortens your life by 4 min..
A working day shortens your life by 8 hours!!!!..

:::::::

During Marriage ceremony why is the bridegroom made to sit on the horse ?
He is given his last chance to run away.

:::::::

A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession even to the grocery store, which was a few blocks from the house.

After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed: “Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age.”

:::::::

Did I like nut another to it send, do to better anything have doesn’t that person a like this reading time sweet your took you since.

Name… is wondering…. if money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?

Name… is poking my face and wondering what all the fuss is about!

Name… has had amnesia for as long as he can remember.

Name… is wondering where Noah kept the woodpeckers on the ark

Name… is somewhat sceptical you’re laughing out loud as much as you claim.

Name… has CDO. It’s like OCD, except the letters are in alphabetical order…like they should be.

Name… is suffering from amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

Name… is retired. I was tired yesterday, and I’m tired again today.

Name… has used all his sick days so is going to phone in dead.

Name… dreams of a better world…where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned

Name… used to play sports. Then he realised you can buy trophies. Now he’s good at everything.

Name… says do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Name… is wondering if you can grow marijuana on Farmville then sell it on Mafia Wars?

Name… was bringing sexy back, but lost the receipt.

Name… thinks one good thing about Alzheimer’s is that you can hide your own Easter eggs!

Name… is proud of himself. He finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.

Name… just wants to point out that Cinderella is living proof that shoes CAN change your life!

Name… says practice safe lunch. Use a condiment!

Name… wonders why Noah didn’t kill the mosquitoes while there were only two.

Name… was wondering why the Frisbee kept getting bigger. Then it hit him.

HEIGHT of HOPE..!!?

Sitting in d exam hall holding d question paper
and
telling yourself-
.

.

.

.

.

Dude,don’t worry!,

Exams wil get postponed.!!

HEIGHT of SMARTNESS!!

In a cricket match 1girl made,
Indian flag on her cheeks,

A “smart boy” came, Kissed her cheeks & said..
.

.

.

‘I love my india’

DO NOT TAKE YOUR MOBILE
TO TOILET.!
Wonder why.?
Because you canNOT. . .

“WALK WHEN YOU TALK”! B-)
WHAT AN IDEA SIRJI.?:)
Keep smilililing. .

When a man steals your wife,
there is no better revenge than
to let him keep her.
David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife
become two sides of a coin;
they just can’t face each other,
but still they stay together.
Sacha Guitry

By all means marry.
If you get a good wife,
you’ll be happy.
If you get a bad one,
you’ll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things,
and prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous

The great question…
which I have not been able to answer… is,
What does a woman want?
Dumas

I had some words with my wife,
and she had some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud

Some people ask the
secret of our long marriage.
We take time to go to a
restaurant two times a week.
A little candlelight, dinner,
soft music and dancing.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.’
Anonymous

‘There’s a way of transferring
funds that is even faster than
electronic banking.
It’s called marriage.’
Sam Kinison

‘I’ve had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me,
and the second one didn’t.’
James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.
Patrick Murra

The most effective way to
remember your wife’s birthday
is to forget it once….
Nash

You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous

My wife and I were happy
for twenty years
Then we met.
Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives
her husband when she’s wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds:
‘Wife wanted’. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: ‘You can have mine.’
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): ‘My wife’s an angel!’
Second Guy: ‘You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.’
Anonymous

SEND THIS TO ALL THE GUYS TO GIVE THEM A GOOD LAUGH……AND TO THOSE LADIES WITH A SENSE OF HUMOR WHO CAN HANDLE IT!!!!!!!

A bear, a lion and a pig meet.
Bear says: “if I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear.”
Lion says: “if I roar in the jungle, the entire jungle is afraid of me.”
Pig says: “big deal…. I only have to cough, and the entire planet lives in fear..”

DO NOT TAKE YOUR MOBILE
TO TOILET.!
Wonder why.?
Because you canNOT. . .

“WALK WHEN YOU TALK”! B-)
WHAT AN IDEA SIRJI.?:)
Keep smilililing. .